Just another day

I've been wanting to blog since Friday but it just didn't happen. It was a combination of grief and pregnancy. I can't believe that 8 months have passed since Dylan died. I still feel like I'm living in a dream or a life that isn't mine.

I miss Dylan so much. Its not the same without him here smiling and laughing. I have 2 kids and 1 on the way and people only see 1. People who meet us now, don't know the awesome kid that was a part of our family until 8 months ago. He isn't physically here and it sucks.

I keep wondering when the sun will shine a little more brightly in my life but it hasn't.

I've been trying to think of the words that describe what's going through my mind and how I'm feeling. None seem to fit appropriately.

Kalen and I were talking last night about how it seems like a lifetime ago Dylan was here but at the same time not that long ago. I can't believe in just a few short months we will have a new baby and then the year mark of Dylan's death will be here. The tears follow just trying to comprehend this. It hurts so badly. I miss him.

I can't think clearly. I can't accomplish the tasks that I have planned each day. My house needs a good cleaning. I have to organize things, finish projects, purge and donate. All these things I want to do, but physically can't. It's not like one of those times that you don't want to so it is put off. I physically and mentally can't bring myself to do any of those things. I know there are a few people, based on the things they've said to me, that feel I should be able to do these things since "it isn't so fresh". What those people fail to realize is that 8 months is still fresh. This isn't something that I can put in the back of my mind and deal with it later. Dylan's death has changed me in ways I didn't even think possible. It changed everything about our family, our individual selves, our relationship dynamics, our identity's and the list just goes on and on.

There are so many times I wish Dylan was here just for the little things. I always thought he'd be here for Brianna to be in kindergarten. I mean why wouldn't I have thought any other way. This thought really affects me.

I'm dreading those first family pictures after Isabella is born. All we will have is a photo of Dylan to have in those pictures. It's heartbreaking.

Our family didn't feel complete before Dylan died. We had been trying for so long to have another child. Now he's gone and it will never feel complete. I dread the years to come.

My mind is all over the place today. Everything is jumbled. The tears are flowing like a flood. Where is the peace?

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