I have a ton of thoughts running through my head and can't go back to sleep. One of my thoughts is why I'm even awake. Oh yeah, it's the baby that kicks me all night and I can't seem to get comfortable when she kicks. Or it might be Kalen's snoring. (which he says he doesn't) Regardless I'm awake.
Lately, I feel like I'm in a fog. I can't seem to see clearly. I've lost my map. At times I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really don't like this sense of disorientation. Not sure what I thought it would be like almost 8 months without Dylan here. It's still so incredibly difficult. The weight of grief is something I've grown accustom to in my daily life, and I don't like it one bit.
Yesterday, while trying to pick a book to read for Brianna's class, I found some of the books Dylan made with his teacher over the past few years. The grief became so overwhelming. It swept over me like a rushing wave unexpectedly. I felt as though I couldn't breathe and I was tossed about with all my emotions. Tears streamed down my face. How can this be normal? I struggle with that everyday that my baby boy isn't here. It doesn't seem right. It's not fair. I know everyone will tell you life isn't fair, but losing a child is the most "unfair" thing that I have experienced.
I was just telling my friend Stacie that it still feels so unreal at times. There are moments when I think he'll come home at any minute. And I just wait. I know that he isn't but it doesn't change what my heart wants and aches for.
On Sunday, I had decided to try and empty one of his dresser drawers. Not because I feel ready but out of pure desperation in an attempt to get ready for Isabella's arrival. I figured that since I just started my last trimester it would be a good idea. Plus I know how hard it is because I've attempted this task more than once.
Tears streamed down my face as I attempted to put his shirts in a clear plastic storage tub. I sobbed. It just doesn't seem right. Taking his things out of the drawer was excruciating. I remember putting his things in his drawers the very first time. It seems like a lifetime ago. He should be here. There were clothes he had never worn because I had just gotten them 2 weeks or so before he died. I held some of the shirts so tightly trying to savor every memory that came flooding back to the times he had worn them. I had my favorites and and those were the hardest to take out of the drawer an put in a tub.
It's heart-wrenching to think that one day there won't be Dylan's things out and about and still spread about in our home. Not seeing his chair everyday with him in it in the family room sucks. Or seeing his feeding pump that was taken so quickly after he died. Or the wipes that I still instinctively go and grab to wipe Brianna's hands with. Brianna does the same thing too. It's been almost 8 months and yet we still do things as if he is here.
I know his items are just "things", but it's not right that they are here an he isn't. One day he was here and the next gone. Kalen and I struggle with what to do with his things. I feel like if we remove them, even to a storage bin, it will be like he never existed, if that makes any sense. There are so many things that just can't be parted with.
This road I'm traveling on is full of so many bumps, hills and mountains. There are days I want to stop and turn back but I know I can't. There is no turning back the time to the night of May 27th when Dylan was here, laughing, smiling, living. Or even at 4am on May 28th for me, doing our middle of the night routine. Who would have known that would be the last time I'd get to see him full of life. No warning and in an instant the Dylan I knew, would be gone. I still can ever so clearly see his unresponsive body lay on the carpet as Kalen gave him CPR. Oh how I wish things turned out differently. Seeing Dylan like that sucks and has been engraved in my memory. The last memories I have as a complete family are with Dylan on life support. I really wish it wasn't that way.
I long for the day when we will be reunited and together............
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I experienced the same feelings when I took down everything in my sweet Hailey's room. The first few times I attempted it I sat and sobbed and then just put everything back. The room had been my daughter's before Hailey was to join our family. We then moved her into her brother's room in preparation. They both needed their own space so we finally did it together as a FHE. That way the kids were involved and I "needed" to control my emotions. It ended up being a good thing. We put her stuff in tubs. I kept a couple of outfits and blankets that are now in my nightstand for me to smell, hold and love on when I need to. These steps are hard to take, but usually end up being good for us and our family.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you with the new baby. I hope that you will find the strength to make it through this step.
Love, Melica (Hailey's mom)
I had my mother-in-law pack everything up for me after Olivia was born. Be good to yourself, you don't need to do it if its too hard. Let someone else help you! They can pack it, label it, and put it away for you, then you just have a clean slate to work with. Its much easier.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't prepare at all for Olivia. I didn't buy clothes, I didn't buy diapers, I didn't buy bottles. Nothing. I asked my cousins to buy her some clothes when she was born, and they went to Walmart and bought some stuff. It was just too hard for me to do it. They gladly picked out little girl clothes. :)
So, just know, that no matter what, it will all work out. Don't push yourself too hard, it is what it is.
I remember that feeling around 8 months. It seemed ridiculous to me that it still hurt so much when it had been so long. It took over a year for the pain to subside even a little, although the incredulous moments still come.
Hi, my name is Angela and I haven't been blogging for over a year. We lost our sweet Evan to a tragic drowning accident almost 2.5years ago. So, this morning I decided I should work on blogging again. I saw your picture on the "followers" on my blog. I felt impressed to click on you. I am so sorry you lost your sweet boy. I noticed your first comment here is by my good friend Melica...we were friends before we became "Angel Moms". I remember so vividly the words you are describing, so new, so utterly heart wrenching, it brings fresh tears to my eyes. Life is never the same....and I was pregnant one month after our little Evan died. That was the hardest pregnancy I have gone through. I hardly remember anything from it because I cried for everyday of it...I remember as I was giving birth that I kind of went into shock because I thought, wait a minute, there is no way it has been 9 months!! It was hard after Savannah was born too, I still cried for Evan.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have to go through this! It is unfair. No one truly understands unless they have gone through losing a child. The waves will come and they are horrendous that you feel like you cannot live one more day. I cannot believe I have lived this long.
Hold on, the waves do lessen to ripples eventually. They never completely go away. And storms do come out of no where....
My heart and thoughts will be with you today. Just know there is a fellow Angel mom saying an extra prayer for you.
Love, Angela
Fran,
ReplyDeleteIt has been almost 5 years since my sister lost her daughter and they have collected decorations for their home to remind them of Kadee. At her burial there was a butterfly, so now butterflies remind us of Kadee. They also have a beautiful picture of Christ holding a little girl in their home and a sign talks about having heaven in their home because they have someone from their home in heaven. I know it isn't easy, but maybe before you clean things out you can make some keepsakes for the home. A shawdow box or quilt with mementos. That way when you put away the "things" you won't have put away the memories.
I wish I could give you a big hug.