I haven't blogged in awhile. It isn't due to a lack of words but I'm having a hard time putting what I'm feeling into a logical sense.
As I was rocking Isabella this evening, tears began to flow. The tears have been pushed back for a few weeks and they rushed over me. I couldn't keep them away. While I was singing one of Dylan's favorite songs, I just kept thinking how sad it is that Isabella won't know her brother. It's so heartbreaking. As I rocked her in the same rocking chair I did Dylan and Brianna I was trying to remember what it was like rocking both of them as well as making the memory of rocking her. I don't want to forget. I miss the awkward angle I had to hold Dylan while rocking him because he was so tall. I wish I could feel his weight again and the rhythm of his breathing. I miss him so much. I would give anything to hear his laugh, to see his face, his smile but just to be able to hug and hold him is what I want right now.
There are times since Isabella has been born that I worry I'm betraying Dylan by opening my heart and loving Isabella. I know rationally that I'm not. I find myself staring at her, wondering what she'll be like when she's a little older. I love her so much. Although she drives me a little crazy at times, I'm so glad she's here and a part of our family. It doesn't seem right if she wasn't here. I hope and pray constantly that she will live a long healthy life. I wish the same for Brianna.
Having a child die and then having one born 6 weeks before the year mark has made for a whirlwind of emotions. I could try to explain what it's like but I can't make it make sense. Oh do I have questions.
I'm really missing my Dylan today and there isn't a particular reason why....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I still weep for you and your family at the loss of Dylan. (Even though I have never met him) being a mom and a sister to a disabled brother I could not even come close to imagining what that would feel like. I pray for you and your family
ReplyDeleteWhile I read your thoughts tonight I thought to myself that Dylan is loving Isabella and how they will share so many memories together . There will be a time when we will look back when we are with all of our families and think how short this life really is. It is okay to have all of those emotions and it is even better to share them. That is part of healing. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this. #3 will arrive about a month before the year mark of Luke's departure. I'm feeling SO mixed up, angry, sad, happy, overjoyed, all rolled up into one messy package. I think I might need you on speed dial. Sisters for life!
ReplyDelete