Another week

I still live my life in terms of weeks. Our family's time line of events is always referred back to the weekend Dylan died. I've been told that it won't always be that way. I'm not sure I believe it yet. I'm ponder how we've made it to almost 10 months without our bubba here. There is still a fog or haze that I feel I'm living in. There hasn't been a lot of sunshine shining through.

I miss him. With the arrival of Isabella so soon, the weight is building on my heart and chest. It kinda reminds me the first time I can remember going to the beach and watching the waves come in and out. I remember being warned to be careful while playing in the water because a big wave could come and I could get pulled under. I remember the crashing waves against my legs. The water seemed to rise with each wave. I remember the excitement. Flash forward to now, I can't see the wave coming but I can feel it. There isn't a sense of excitement coming like there was as a kid. Now, it's anxiety. Lots of it. I can't control this wave. It not something that I can just say, "it'll be okay or there is no need to worry." I have NO idea how it's going to be. That's the scary part. While I am anxious to meet our newest baby, I am so nervous that something will go wrong. I'm human after all. This anxiety I feel isn't something that I can just turn off. It's there. It's real. Being "anxious" pretty much everyday of my life since May 28, 2010 is very hard. I don't like being this way. It just comes with the territory. I worry something will happen to Kalen and Brianna the most. Kalen jokingly asks if I know something but just haven't shared all the details to him. Death is so real for me and our family. While I have experienced having loved ones die, Dylan's death is just so different. It's so consuming and seems to find it's way into our everyday lives.

Dylan has missed out on so much. From little things to big things. Brianna playing soccer, Brianna going to kindergarten, Brianna losing her first two teeth, a new sibling coming. Then there are the everyday things he has missed. I'm sure he's watching down on us but its not the same. He's not here.

Waking up at 4am everyday is my time that I really reflect on Dylan. That was my time to get up with him. It's amazing how my body still does it automatically. Oh how I wish I could just walk into his room right now. Scoop him up and rock him, sing to him, see him. I loved watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful. I wish I could feel some of that peace again...........

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